Work With Your Teenager

While parenting offers challenges at different stages in a child’s life, it is almost universally acknowledged that the teen years are particularly hard on everyone. RUTH LOH finds out how to navigate these choppy waters.

Rachel started chewing on her hands when she was 15 years old. Now 19, she remembers what triggered the self-abuse. “My parents were really hard on me,” she says softly. “They kept accusing my friends of being a “bad influence”. The trouble started when she was in Secondary One and wanted to be with her friends after school. “I had to be home by 5 pm, and if I was late they started calling me non-stop and they would start yelling.”


To counter the rapidly deteriorating relationship, Rachel reacted by rebelling and telling lies, which of course, only made things worse. “They started saying that I was mixing around with bad company and used to be a good girl. I told them that they were the ones who pushed me and we usually ended up shouting at each other.’’ Sometimes her mother slapped her during a fight. Whenever she tried fighting back, her mother would start hitting her. “My mum insisted that she was a really good mother to me and that my friends were the ones who had made me rotten.”
So Rachel stopped resisting. She turned to self-mutilation and began to cut herself on parts of her body that nobody could see, and biting the backs of her hands. It gave her a sense of achievement and power, because it was something that her parents couldn’t control. 


While Rachel’s case may be an extreme one, it is not an uncommon one. The explosive mix of teenagers going through physical, emotional and mental changes and their changing relationships with their parents can become too painful to bear. The reasons differ, but no matter what the cause, the result is heartbreaking – losing one of the most precious and closest relationships human beings can have, that between a parent and child.


So what can you do to build a close bond with your teen? There’re lots you can do to develop healthy relationships during this time of incredible changes. Here’re some insights from parents who been through this trying stage :

Lay The Cornerstone

Mel, a secondary school teacher with a teenage daughter, says that the basic foundations could be shaky in most cases where parents and teens just can’t connect. “The initial bonding is crucial, that’s the foundation. If you don’t set the record straight from the start and pave the way to a good relationship when your child is still young, it’s going to be very hard to expect them to be close to you when they hit their teenage years.’’

Family First

Resolve issues with your spouse, says Mel. “Kids are very intelligent. If you can’t have a decent conversation with your own spouse, you’re not going to be able to get through to your kids. They can tell when you have problems communicating with others and this is going to affect how they see you.” So clear the clogged up channels of communication between you and your partner and set a good example.

Negativity Kills

This is another factor that can lead to a communication breakdown between you and your teen, according to Edward Zaccheus, Trainer-cum-Counsellor from Eagles Mediation and Counselling Centre(EMCC). If you react doubtfully to everything your child says or does, she will react defensively. 

Ears Shut, Mouth Open

Make an effort to listen to your teen, not just nag, says Edward. Sometimes it helps to try and remember how it must feel for a teenager and what is important to your child. Your teenager might reward you for your generosity by being pleasant for a change!

Love And Support 

Siew Lay, 50, a mother of three teenage boys, says that taking the time to talk to, not nag at, your teen helps break down barriers. “Chatting, asking them about their day, don’t tut-tut when you hear something you don’t like…it’s like a friendship. Then they will open up to you.”

Be Realistic, Not Idealistic


 Edward reminds parents to adjust their expectations to what their teens can achieve, not what the parent wants them to achieve. “Give your teen all the necessary support she needs without suffocating them. Look at your teen’s strong points, talents, interests, and dreams, and come up with realistic expectations for them.”

You Win, They Win

When managing conflicts, hear your teen out, suspend judgement and negative responses, Edward advises. “Work at a compromise where both parties can agree to disagree agreeably, and also give and take.” This preserves relationships.

Be Proactive 

Mel says that a parent should take the first step in reaching out to teenage children. Why? “It’s silly to focus on pride,” she explains, because “parents should never, ever forget what it was like being that age and because they have had the experience of being a teenager before, knowing what a teenager goes through, they should be big-hearted enough to be patient with their son or daughter, and take the time to listen to them.” Even if they’re rude and you feel tempted to whip out the cane (physical punishments at this age are strictly off limits!) Mel advises, be patient because eventually, with persistence, you’ll get past their defenses. And your kids are definitely worth fighting for.

Stop Being The Local Neighbourhood Watch


 According to Edward, “Probably the first and most important ‘wire’ that teens can do to ‘better connect’ with their parents is giving themselves the chance to know their parents. Parents have become the ‘police’ in the lives of some teens where almost daily, the teen comes home to be interrogated by mum or dad.” Others feel their parents are like ‘Post-It’ reminders. This can lead to them losing the connection with their parents, and cooping themselves up in their room most of the time, surfing the net, and just not talking.

Be Significant

How? By being affirmative and encouraging, says Edward. When your teen can say that you are “Someone I Give Notice and Importance to, a Friend I Can Always be Near to Trust”, you know you’ve been a good friend. And that’s an important ingredient in being a good parent to teenagers.